Thursday, October 30, 2008

Blond Driver

A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the female blonde driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

Monday, October 20, 2008

American Laws

These are real standing laws from around the United States of America. Alabama: 1. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. California: 1. Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water. Connecticut: 1. You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour. 2. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands. Florida: 1. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner. 2. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing. 3. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle. 4. It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. 5. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. Illinois: 1. It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets. Indiana: 1. Bathing is prohibited during the winter. 2. Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic. Iowa: 1. Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes. Kentucky: 1. By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground." 2. It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket. Louisana: 1. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol. 2. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault." Massachusetts: 1. Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches. 2. Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked. 3. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

i once went on a trek through the jordan desert

and mountains. i was reluctant to use the hastily assembled toilet on our camp so i opted to just hang on to it for a bit. unfortunately i hadnt had my vacinations before leaving and contracted a tummy bug of some description. when climbing up into the mountains one day with everyone slightly spread out, my bowels unexpectantly let loose a torrent of fizzy gravy in my pants. i rushed and hid in some rocks and sorted out as best i could but my trousers were covered in shit and my spare trousers were not on my person. i attempted to sit in sand and dust for a bit to absorb as much shit as possible. unfortunately people became concerned as they knew id been suffering with my tum. i managed to brush off their concern and wrapped a jacket round me and continued the rest of the trek on my own. upon arriving at the designated camping spot (after hiking along way in shitty pants) i grabbed my bog roll and a bottle of water and elected to find a secluded place to sort everything out and change my rotten pants. i wandered for 10 minutes and proceeded to peel off my duds and wash my arse, just as a bedouin shepherd went past with his flock to be greeted by this glorious sight. it wasnt a nice day.